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EXT. NEW YORK, BUT GOTHAM- NIGHT
As NIGHT envelops the city, Gotham's city life comes to life with...HALLOWEEN PARTIES. People wear skeleton face paint and carry CLEAR UMBRELLAS.
THE BATMAN
Here I am again; the very new Batman. I have one mission in life and that is to concuss every person that is about to commit a crime. Luckily, this is my second year so I was able to get a detective to build me a bat signal that no one knows how to shut down. Instead of actually letting that detective do his job, I make him drive all the way to a remote tower and turn it on.
The bat signal gets turned on. various robbers, fight starters, and creeps collectively wet themselves.
A bunch of thugs wearing original, very fresh and never tried before clown makeup are at a subway station. Gotham is still in the year 2013 because these thugs are trying the blackout challenge by punching people in the back of the head. They approach an innocent victim who neither has a clear umbrella nor skeleton face paint.
Holy Iron Man Shoes! It's the Batman. He walks mechanically out of the shadows. CUE song 1 of 2 entitled: BUMMMM BUMMMMM BUMMMMM BUMMMMM BUMMM
The thugs watch as he slowly, but surely walks toward the gang.
CLOWN THUG
Aren't you supposed to be a ninja who attacks from the shadows?
THE BATMAN
Not in this movie. I just cautiously and carefully make baby steps out of any dark corner. Thanks for waiting, guys. I guess we should fight.
Using his karate skills and the super power of taking multiple bullets to the chest, Batman beats them all up.
INT. MAYOR'S HOUSE- EVEN MORE NIGHT
The mayor of Gotham is dead on the floor. Several carpet tools are sticking out of him. His THUMB is missing. Gotham police are wandering aimlessly, hoping a rich billionaire with a dark aesthetic for vengeance helps them out.
GORDON
I am the head detective of Gotham PD. No murderer gets away on my watch. I am a no nonsense, uncorruptible member of the police force.
Batman baby walks from a dark corner.
GORDON
(Pants wildly, starts hyper ventilating)
OMG! OMG! It is my buddy, Batman. Yipee. Hooray. I am the Milhouse to your Bart Simpson.
(Clings on to Batman's thigh)
POLICE GUARD
No unauthorized people with weapons and costumes at this official police scene.
GORDON
(holding up a 2 for 1 coupon)
You have to honor the coupon. I get one free guest.
POLICE GUARD
His logic is unbreakable. Alright, let him in, but he is only allowed to touch five pieces of evidence, tops.
Batman grabs a HALLMARK card and opens it up. He reads the card:
BATMAN
What do you call a dog's golf ball?
(thinks about it)
In the ruff!
GORDON
That was his son's birthday card. Now read the one addressed to you.
BATMAN
Roses are red, Mayors are concussed, the last Batman movie had Joker kill with a bus.
GORDON
What does it mean?
BATMAN
I will have to ask my butler.
GORDON
Who?
BATMAN
What?
Batman notices that the mayor had a son. He feels so bad about the mayor losing his son that he asks Kurt Cobain to sing the last song on his Nevermind album. CUE SONG 2 of 2: SOMETHING IN THE WAY.
INT. BAT CAVE- LESS NIGHT
Alfred Pennyworth comes into the Bat Cave where Batman is hooking his contact lenses to a computer to watch old footage of Batman movies. Alfred is holding a tray of breakfast.
BATMAN
I have all these clues that were left behind by the mayor's killer.
ALFRED
Mind if I give it a crack, sir?
BATMAN
If I don't then you have no purpose in this movie except one touching scene near the end.
ALFRED
Looks like it is a code, sir. If I solve the code then it spells the phrase "I chopped off his thumb and left it in the car."
BATMAN
Genius. Now I have to wait till night before I can follow up on those clues. Meanwhile, I will spend twelve hours looking like a Hot Topics employee.
ALFRED
Jared Leto called, sir. He wants to know if you will be touring with his band 30 Seconds to Mars.
BATMAN
How many times do I have to tell people? I am not Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance.
ALFRED
Shall we finish this conversation in the Lemony Snicket Mansion that looks completely out of place in modern New York City?
INT. GORDON'S OFFICE- SO NIGHT
Gordon has posters of Batman all over the wall. As Batman baby walks from a dark corner we can hear Gordon shaking with excitement.
GORDON
We followed the clue to look in the car that we completely needed your hand holding to find. We found a thumb drive. It looks like the mayor was hanging out with some girl at a bar. I also posted all this evidence on my Facebook with you tagged on it.
BATMAN
Looks like I need to go to the Iceberg Lounge and ask some questions.
GORDON
I am sure the Penguin will make time for you if you ask nice.
BATMAN
Or I will put several part-time bouncers into the hospital.
GORDON
(Giggles playfully)
Sometimes I dream about us.
BATMAN
What?
GORDON
What?
INT. ICEBERG LOUNGE- NIGHTER
It's a classy techno underground shin dig. Batman greets the bouncers at the door the same way CONSTANTINE or SCOTT PILGRIM would. He starts beating the snot out of everyone. But he also notices that one of the bouncers is a part-time cop.
The Penguin takes him to his lair.
PENGUIN
Of all the underground techno discotheques in the world you had to show up to mine.
BATMAN
The mayor was hanging out with a hot girl. Where is she?
HOT GIRL or Selena Kyle appears.
PENGUIN
That is one of Falcone's girls. I hear her dad is either a crime boss or the performer of "American Woman."
INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE- EVEN NIGHTER
Batman confronts Selena Kyle. She is some kind of cat woman.
SELENA
You caught me breaking into the mayor's safe. I have this room mate friend who owes Falcone lots of money so he gave the mayor her passport to hide for reasons that no one will explain.
BATMAN
(leaning in for a kiss)
SELENA
What are you doing?
BATMAN
Let's just get it over with. The audience expects it.
INT. DELETED FOOTAGE FROM SAW 3
The Police Commissioner is shown with a rat cage over his head. Rat's are eating his face.
MEANWHILE, there are toy commercials for kids from this movie, but none of them are an action figure of a police commissioner with a half eaten face. Hmmmm...
Batman gets into the police scene despite every cop knowing it is illegal to obstruct justice, but they refuse to arrest him because GORDON SAID HE WOULD BE THEIR BEST FRIEND IF THEY WERE COOL ABOUT IT.
BATMAN
(Reading the card)
A rat with wings. Who do we know that is a rat with wings?
GORDON
(dressed in red and yellow)
Robin?
BATMAN
I am going to have to put this in my state of the art software called Butler 2.0.
INT. THE ICEBERG LOUNGE- THE INNER SANCTUM
Batman convinces Selena to wear his surveillance contact lenses and investigate the inner sanctum of the Iceberg Lounge. The District Attorney is surrounded by call girls and strung out of his mind on some made up drug that somehow the plot revolves around.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Whelp! Time to go home to my wife and kids. The new valet seems like an interesting guy with his green suit filled with question marks.
FALCONE
We don't have a valet...
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Uh oh!
INT. CHURCH CATHEDRAL- IN THE RAIN OR SOME DEPRESSED TROPE
Bruce Wayne shows up to pay his respects. Several onlookers wonder when he is going to perform The Black Parade from his latest album. So far, out of all the words of PLAYBOY BILLIONAIRE, Bruce Wayne lives up to the BOY part.
ALMOST MAYOR
Bruce, I noticed, despite all character development, that you are a playboy billionaire. I was wondering if you wanted to give all your money to making Gotham a better place.
BRUCE WAYNE
Let me think about it.
(envisions himself writing a check and then envisions himself kicking ninjas)
No, I'm good.
The District Attorney's car slams through the church. Attached to him is an envelope, a cell phone, and a bomb. Bruce Wayne puts on his costume, waits for it to get dark, hides in a shadow, and baby walks toward the bomb.
POLICE
Everyone clear out. We have a bomb threat.
BATMAN
Can I stay?
POLICE
Why?
BATMAN
(Points to the letter)
Because this card is addressed to me and I don't want to be rude.
The Riddler looks like an anemic Mankind from the WWE. He starts giving the District Attorney riddles. Batman rudely butts in to solve the riddles. The last riddle is. "Say the name of the boss who is making you filthy rich"
He doesn't. Batman and the District Attorney explode. Batman is injured but he only gets hit by the part of the bomb that makes you sleep for a little bit.
INT. GOTHAM PRECINCT
All the police are surrounding a half dazed Batman. One of them wants to shave his beard, but then remembers that is a scene from LOGAN.
POLICE
Well, we finally got the vigilante who is obstructing justice and keeping us from doing our job. Let's remove his mask and process him.
GORDON
(lying down next to him)
Wait? What if I talked to him and convince him to turn himself in.
POLICE
He is already turned in. We just need to cuff him.
GORDON
But I want to really turn him in. Like super turn him in. Everyone leave.
(Get's out his Batman lunch pail)
(Whispers)
Batman, here's what I need you to do. Mom and dad are getting wise to our secret sleepovers so I need you to punch me in the face and then run out the door.
Batman punches Gordon and escapes to the roof. He then sprouts a raccoon suit from Mario 3. The POV shot looks worse than a Go Pro cam used by your dad.
EXT. THE BAT SIGNAL TOWER
BATMAN
Why did you have a slight look of recognition when Falcone said hello to you?
SELENA KYLE
Falcone is my dad. He is the worst dad ever. He killed my mom, he makes me pull his finger, and he can't even get the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" line right. I am going to kill him.
BATMAN
What about that blonde girl you were worried about a few days ago.
SELENA KYLE
There are three important chicks in a Batman story. Harley Quinn, Batgirl, and me. She was killed off by the worst villain of all: Script Editing. I am sure we can shoehorn her into a revenge plot.
EXT. PENGUINS DRUG WHOLESALE WAREHOUSE
The Batman and Gordon walk casually up to the warehouse where the Penguin is selling drugs. Selena is also there and she reveals that she was only kind of friends with the blonde girl so she could get lots of drug money.
The penguin gets away, but luckily Batman has a spare SENSIBLE SPORTS CAR. Seriously, this looks less beefed up than a Fast and Furious car. A car chase ensues and Batman forces Penguin to injure many civilians so that he can get this powerful clue.
PENGUIN
I am not the rat with wings, you lousy bums.
BATMAN
Oh, why didn't you just say so?
GORDON
Maybe we should look at the clue again.
BATMAN
He wrote, "Find the bat with wings at www.batwithwings.riddler". Maybe I should visit that site.
They visit that site, which tips them off that the next clue is at THE GOTHAM ORPHANAGE. The Riddler has a projector waiting for him.
BATMAN
Holy turncoats! Turns out my old man, Thomas Wayne, put a hit on some random off-screen dude. That puts everything I believed into question. I need to ask Alfred for guidance.
GORDON
Who?
BATMAN
What?
INT. LEMONY SNICKET MANSION
Alfred decides that his other job than making breakfast and solving riddles is to open mail that Bruce Wayne can't be bothered to read. He opens a box titled: NOT A BOMB and reads the card.
ALFRED
Roses are red, this filter is gloom
Open this card to feel the
BOOM!
INT. ICEBERG LOUNGE-
BRUCE WAYNE
You knew my father and he hired you to kill some off-screen dude.
FALCONE
Yup. And then another dude who was 6000% not me killed him because of it.
BRUCE WAYNE
6000% you say.
FALCONE
Yup.
INT. HOSPITAL
Alfred has minor face nicks from taking a fire bomb to the face. Bruce is there to question him about his dad.
BRUCE WAYNE
My dad had some dude killed off-screen. You knew about this?
ALFRED
Your dad only wanted to scare the off-screen dude, but Falcone got the order wrong and gave him the assassination deluxe package. Needless to say, your father gave him a very poor review on Fiverr. Falcone was not too pleased with that. Come to think of it, I wonder if Falcone killed your dad. Hmmmm.
BRUCE WAYNE
How sure are you about this?
ALFRED
6001%
BRUCE WAYNE
*Gasp*
EXT. BAT SIGNAL- ALMOST NIGHT
Selena Kyle is beating the junk out of the cop and the bouncer at the Iceberg club.
SELENA KYLE
This guy knows everything about the plot. Help me kill him.
BATMAN
We can't kill him. It's not what I do. Ben Affleck maybe...but not me.
POLICE/BOUNCER
Thomas Wayne was going to restore the city with a huge fund, but instead Falcone used it to team up with the police and sell drugs to kids. Falcone was already selling drugs, but he is now selling drugs WITH COPS! Also, here is a recording of your blonde friend getting choked to death.
GORDON
Do you mind if I take notes too? I haven't been showing up to my shift at Gotham PD and they are starting to wonder if I am going to close an cases.
INT. TOWER WHERE THE RIDDLER STEALS BRAIN WAVES JK...THE ICEBERG LOUNGE
Batman and Selena beat up all of Falcone's guards. Batman gets shot in the head and chest several times, but he walks it off. Falcone is knocked in the head and sent off to a parade of police men excited to put him in cuffs.
PEW. The Riddler snipes Falcone and he is deader than Joe Cool in Batman Begins.
BATMAN
Errrgh. If I had a nickel for every riddle making sociopath that tricked me into uncovering a corrupt political conspiracy only to get me to send a crime boss out in the open so he can shoot them I would have at least $3.70.
INT. ARKHAM PRISON
RIDDLER
Well, it looks like we worked together to stop many criminals.
BATMAN
Yeah, but you killed some people. I don't do that.
RIDDLER
(Looks at the script)
You are not Ben Affleck? Sorry. My bad.
BATMAN
Looks like I can put a bow on this case.
(Looks at watch)
We can end the movie at a decent running time.
RIDDLER
Wait!? I did something on Twitter involving a bunch of conspiracy nuts who will wreck havoc on the city.
BATMAN
You will march on the White House lawn?
RIDDLER
Eff no! That is stupid. I am going to blow up every wall and flood the city. Then incels are going to attack everyone in the sport's auditorium.
BATMAN
Why?
RIDDLER
(spins propeller hat)
I am CCCCCRRRRRAAAAZZZZZYYYY
BATMAN
(sigh of relief)
For a second you were almost relatable.
INT. THE LAST STAGE- NIGHT
The city is flooded. Batman is now ready to set up a No Man's Land sequel. After injecting himself with Red Bull, Batman learns that the city doesn't need a guy who gives concussions to people before they commit the crime, but a guy who also moves electric cables out of water so women and children don't get electrocuted.
EXT. GRAVEYARD
BATMAN
Looks like I have lots of work to do in Gotham now that it is flooded and I The Penguin filled the power vacuum. I could use a sidekick.
GORDON
Oh yes, please. Yes. A thousand times, yes!
BATMAN
I was talking to Selena Kyle. You are only allowed to talk if I give you the talking batarang. We discussed this, Gordon.
SELENA KYLE
Nah, I am good. My blonde friend is dead and my house is flooded. I am going to leave.
BATMAN
What about if I add awkward sexual tension?
SELENA KYLE
Nah...I left you Halle Berry's number in case you get bored.
As they both ride off into the almost night, Batman will most certainly getting a sequel.
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