"Make sure your movie has more than one Spider-Man or it won't make a ridiculous ton of money."
- Stan Lee
Fade to Marvel logo
Ext. NYC Times Square
MYSTERIO
As I lay dying here on the London bridge, I need to tell you that Spider-Man is the one who killed me. I was able to splice together this damning evidence as I lie here with a mortal wound. Luckily my powers include Quick Cut Pro Editing on the fly.
SPIDER-MAN
Oh wow. That looks bad. This can't get any worse.
MYSTERIO
Also, Spider-Man is really Peter Parker.
SPIDER-MAN
Oh no, this can't get any worse.
JONAH JAMESON
(appears)
I am one of 60,000 pieces of nostalgia that appear in this movie to quilt over the skim milk plot.
Spidey takes MJ and swings her to different places, eventually going to his apartment with Aunt May.
PETER PARKER
Aunt May and Happy! We need to leave! The 2nd movie set this huge plot up and we can't let the audience down.
HAPPY
I have a smaller plot that carries no weight at all. Aunt May and I are breaking up.
AUNT MAY
He wanted me to call him Uncle Ben for some reason.
HAPPY
I like weird things, ok?
PETER PARKER
No time to entertain that plot point. We have a huge adventure where I escape the public's hatred and run from the law. I will probably have to face a bounty hunter named Kraven, while I wrestle with the ethics of being a super hero who is constantly putting his loved ones in danger. I mean the title of this movie is No Way Home, which perfectly explains a conflict where I am on the run all over America.
MATT MURDOCK
Jump Cut! I just hand waved that whole entire conflict away. You are free of all charges under the basis that the Marvel execs are sweating buckets and need some cheap tricks and cameos to save this from being second rate to a DC movie.
PETER PARKER
I guess a thank you is in order. I am no longer public enemy number 1. I bet Marvel has a whopper of a conflict that will shake me to my very core. Will I go to space again? Will this be Secret Wars? Will I meet Mephisto?
COLLEGE APPLICATION MAN
Nope! It is I College Application Man who will thwart you. Be discouraged by the six rejection letters I give you. Be sad over the fact that MJ and Ned will have to WAIT A LITTLE LONGER TO GO TO COLLEGE AND TRY A LITTLE HARDER. Bwa hahahahahahah!
INT. DOCTOR STRANGE HOUSE
PETER PARKER
It's all my fault that Ned and MJ can't go to MIT. Since there are only seven colleges in the world then my only hope is to alter all of reality for this minor boo boo.
WONG
I forbid you from using any magic that has reality destroying effects.
DOCTOR STRANGE
But look how lonely Peter Parker is.
WONG
Welp...I tried everything. Good luck.
INT. DOCTOR STANGE'S DUNGEON
DOCTOR STRANGE
This spell will make everyone forget who you are and erase every relationship you have ever had.
PETER PARKER
How will that work? Will it just remove my name from everyone's mind or will it somehow destroy all internet footage, paper trails, historical documents, birth certificates, signs, video game high scores, Facebook meta data.
DOCTOR STRANGE
(Starts spelling)
We already did the timeline interfering thing poorly in Endgame. This is the only hero movie nickel we have left.
PETER PARKER
Should I mention that the Flash already did this in a comic book arc in the 90s?
DOCTOR STRANGE
(Continues Spelling)
I need complete concentration on this. The simplest mishap could ruin the spell and invite nostalgic cameos and easter eggs into the rest of the movie.
PETER PARKER
Am I just a live action reboot of Spider-Man Into the Spiderverse?
DOCTOR STRANGE
(Stops Spelling)
Damnation Peter! I ruined the spell. Who knows what bad things will happen?
PETER PARKER
Plan B I guess. Ask MIT to reconsider my application.
DOCTOR STRANGE
(bows head in shame)
I gave up so many Oscars for this role.
EXT. VILLAIN HIGH WAY
PETER PARKER
My Spidey sense can find all MIT recruiters. I am Spider-Man. Can you please reconsider my friends for MIT?
MIT LADY
I can give you another shot at it, Peter. It's not like college can give you a future anymore. Also you don't need to tell me the information about your friends. I automatically know who Ned and MJ are and can find them amongst the millions of rejection letters we have.
Doctor Octopus starts destroying cars.
DOC OCK
It is I, Doctor Octopus, AKA Easter Egg #1. I was transported to this strange alternate Earth only 20 minutes ago so instead of trying to figure out where I am and how I got here I want to immediately kill you for the power of the sun.
PETER PARKER
Wham! Bam! Thwip! Quip! Joke! I just used the power of movie magic and techno jargon to take complete control of your octopus arms. I blue toothed your 4K using StarkTech.
The Green Goblin appears
GREEN GOBLIN
It is I, Green Goblin, AKA Easter Egg #2. It is I, Doctor Octopus, AKA Easter Egg #1. I was transported to this strange alternate Earth only 20 minutes ago so instead of trying to figure out where I am and how I got here I want to immediately kill you because I am mentally unwell.
PETER PARKER
Mentally unwell? That is a hot topic in society. I can't fight with that. Get me outta here!
INT. DOCTOR STRANGE'S DUNGEON
DOCTOR STRANGE
I figured out what happens when we do the forget-me-not spell. It opens a parallel universe where unused actors get a second chance at winning our hearts despite their movies getting mediocre reviews. Anyone who has ever said the words Peter Parker are here on this Earth.
PETER PARKER
What about Venom from the standalone universe? He did not have a Peter Parker.
DOCTOR STRANGE
He once asked for Peter Pan peanut butter and accused an elderly driver of being a bad parker. Look, do I need to explain why this is the most random assortment of nostalgic returns and why some obvious choices like Harry Osborne or the other Green Goblin kid did not make a comeback?
PETER PARKER
I guess you can just jimmy up a contraption that sends them all back.
DOCTOR STRANGE
I need you to journey through America and look for villains that are out of place in time. It should be an easy task. Once you find them shoot them with Wonder Woman's magic lasso and they will return here. I already have a lizard man who refuses to make any intelligible sounds. I bumped into him in line at Wawa and immediately knew he did not fit into this universe.
PETER PARKER
Your magic is amazing.
DOCTOR STRANGE
It's actually the suspended disbelief of the audience that is holding this popsicle stick bridge of a movie together. That is true power.
MJ
We can help to by adding sassy lines and quips to Peter's adventure.
NED
I have a few more hilarious quips in me until my purpose is over.
EXT. FOREST
PETER PARKER
My first stop in my tour of America. I hope I find a villain that doesn't fit in this universe.
ELECTRO
I am Electro, AKA Easter Egg #4, I crave electricity power. The stuff back home tastes horrible and this world has some amazing stuff.
SANDMAN
I am Sandman, AKA Easter Egg #5, I am actually good friends with you Peter Parker. I knew if I visited a random forest then I would bump into you.
SPIDER-MAN
This is just a less exciting version of the cartoon movie where Miles has to learn how to Thwip in a forest!
Spider-Man shoots the bad guys into the special dungeon.
INT. AUNT MAY'S HOUSE OF PITY AND COMPASSION
AUNT MAY
I found this Willem DaFoe looking guy. He was asking for you. I think you can help him. I also think that any homeless looking mentally unstable person should be helped by the minor I am in charge of protecting. It's no wonder the government thinks I am a bad parent.
PETER PARKER
Doctor Strange says I can just hit a magical undo button and we can be well on our way to a better conflict.
OSBORNE
I am not a bad person, Peter. I may have murdered a couple hundred people, but only because my brain is having a case of the Mondays.
AUNT MAY
And who here hasn't had a case of the Mondays. I think you should take all these villains under your wing to carry their awful burdens and take full responsibility for their crimes like a wife who thinks she can save her husband from alcoholism.
PETER PARKER
Sounds good.
INT. DOCTOR STRANGE'S DUNGEON
All the villains are in his magical jail cells. He is ready to push a button that sends them back.
DOCTOR STRANGE
Muddled conflict will end in 5...4...3...2..
ALL THE VILLAINS
Wait! Would it help to know that we were all going to die at the exact moment we were transported here?
PETER PARKER
Oh crap! If these murdering psychopaths die from the consequences of their evil actions then it will be a horrible mistake...actually...what am I talking about? Isn't that how justice and Karma works? Should I go back in time to help Mysterio and Vulture instead of letting them feel their fate on the basis that I am carrying a ginormous Messiah complex that puts me as responsible for the abuse of others?
Peter Parker escapes with the doo hickey. He battles Doctor Strange in the mirror universe.
DOCTOR STRANGE
I have complete control of all this world, Peter. Give me back the doo hickey. I have seen 1,000,000 outcomes of this fight and only one has you escaping.
PETER PARKER
The power of MATH!
DOCTOR STRANGE
Nooooooooooooooooooo!
INT. HAPPY HOGAN'S PLACE
Peter takes all the villains which he is responsible for curing back to the safe house. He finds a Tony Stark Machine that contains every cure to every villain imaginable. God bless magic and Stark Tech to justify lazy writing!
PETER PARKER
I clipped Doctor Octopuses nails and he is happy. I prescribed Ambien to Green Goblin. I put a surge protector on Electro. I have a dish of flies for The Lizard. My work here is done.
GREEN GOBLIN
Wrong! I was crazzzzzzzzy the whole time. Smokin! Somebody stop me! Want to know how I got these scars? Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light? Here's Johnny!
PETER PARKER
If I had a nickel for every deranged homeless man with socipathic qualities that stabbed me in the back...
Peter Parker fights the Green Goblin, but all the bad guys ghetto stomp him.
AUNT MAY
Oh no! The Ambien wasn't strong enough. The Green Goblin is still a psycho.
GREEN GOBLIN
Looks like I need to teach you a lesson about trusting in the kindness of strangers. I am going to kill your Uncle Ben.
PETER PARKER
Happy?
Green Goblin kills Aunt May and escapes.
AUNT MAY
(her last breath)
Remember Peter! If the people around you who do horrible things aren't fixed by you then it's like you did those horrible things and you should feel responsible. With great power comes mentally destabilizing guilt trips.
INT. NED'S HOUSE
MJ
Peter told us to hit the magical doo hickey button only if the news tells us that his plan backfired and that they killed his Aunt May.
The news comes on and explains that Peter's plan backfired and Aunt May died.
NED
How about I do a little magic. Pick a card from this deck? Don't tell me what the card says.
MJ
Okay
NED
I think you are holding Easter Egg #6 about everyone's fifth favorite Spider-Man who ranks above the 70's TV version, but not the Fox cartoon.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
Hi guys. I am Peter Andrew Parker Garfield. I have been in your universe for about a week just wandering around in my spider suit. How's it hanging?
NED
Pick another card, MJ.
MJ
Okay
NED
You are holding the original Peter Parker who started this wave of yearly comic book super hero movies. He is the one to thank and blame for Marvel's millions of dollars.
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
Hi guys. I am Peter Tobey Parker Maguire. I was just walking around aimlessly and noticed a portal.
MJ
Unite the Spider-Men!!!!
EXT. ROOFTOP
SPIDER-MAN
I need time to mourn my aunt's death.
MJ
Forget that Peter. We brought something better. I have two reminders that these Spider-Man franchises could die at any time.
NED
Subplot roll call!!!!
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
I lost my Uncle Ben and continue to blame myself because I could not stop it.
AMAZING SPIDER MAN
I lost my girlfriend in a fight with a different Green Goblin and I blame myself for not being able to stop it.
ALL THE SPIDER-MEN
With great power comes mentally destabilizing guilt trips!
EXT. STATUE OF LIBERTY
The Spider-Men team up, make a bunch of cures in one night and decide to lure the villains to the Statue of Liberty.
SPIDER-MAN
Okay, passionate bonding time is over. Let's trick our villains into getting healed. Remember, the best therapy is the one where the aggressor feels forced against his will.
The Lizard, Sandman, and Electro come and start punching and kicking the Spider-Men.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
None of this is working. I guess we should come up with a new plan then swinging around aimlessly.
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
How about we work together?
SPIDER-MAN
Holy crap! It's no wonder I was rejected by MIT.
The Spider-Men heal The Lizard and Sandman. Doctor Octopus comes back and pretends to want to kill Spider-Man but instead he turns face and heals Electro. Green Goblin appears and starts blowing crap up.
NED
Subplot resolution roll call!!!!!
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
I just saved MJ.
SPIDER-MAN
Toby Maguire does that mean you saved Uncle Ben?
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
I hate you!
Peter Parker (original flavor) faces off against Green Goblin.
GREEN GOBLIN
I am an unstoppable force and you are an unbreakable wall! Can you feel it in the air tonight?
SPIDER-MAN
I am going to kill you!
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
You shouldn't do it. It will ruin you for the rest of your life.
Amazing Spider-Man throws a healing injector to Spider-Man he injects it into Green Goblin's neck.
PIZZA TIME SPIDER-MAN
You did it! You choose healing over death!
SPIDER-MAN
Dangit. I thought that was a knife.
GREEN GOBLIN
I am fully reformed now. I now see the errors of my ways. Thank you for forcing medicine on me against my will.
SPIDER-MAN
I think we just became a political cartoon for the Covid-19 vaccine.
Doctor Strange enters! The sky keeps going crazy.
DOCTOR STRANGE
There is too many Easter Eggs and nostalgia. The world is going to split open and shoot out tons of throwbacks including 1980s Captain America played by Reb Brown.
SPIDER-MAN
We can't have that. How about you do the forget-me-not spell again and everyone will forget me.
DOCTOR STRANGE
It seems like it would make the problem worse.
SPIDER-MAN
(Opens hands with a rainbow connecting them)
MAGIC!
DOCTOR STRANGE
Oh right, lazy writing! Let's do it.
Doctor Strange does the spell and everything goes back to normal. Peter Parker is forgotten by everyone, which should be a nightmare because the MIT recruiter would have to remember him in order to reconsider his friends for application. Unless...he was erased in time which is an even bigger nightmare because that means he never helped with the Avengers and needless people died that he was supposed to save. Tony Stark knew who Peter Parker was which got him into the Avengers. Either way...it's too late to care about plot holes.
INT. COFFEE SHOP
PETER PARKER
Hello...I am Peter Parker and...
MJ
(having a wonderful Peter Parkerless life)
Yes?
PETER PARKER
Nevermind. Have a good life. Congrats for getting into MIT.
MJ
Ned and I got in on a scholarship too. They give you a full ride if you are not friends with a super powered human who climbs buildings.
PETER PARKER
Ffffffffu!
COLLEGE APPLICATION MAN
I win again!!!! Bwa hahahahah! It was me pulling the strings the whole time.
AFTER CREDIT SCENE
PAUL GIAMATTI AS RHINO
I vas thee vonly vood thing about Amazing Vider-Man 2.
FADE OUT
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