Diana as a young girl in Themyscira
DIANA
Life in Themyscira is amazing. It's just an island full of buxom amazon women doing CrossFit in cosplay armor.
FANBOY
(drools)
INT. OLYMPIC ARENA
Diana enters an obstacle course with the other amazon ladies. She jumps over crushing blocks, does triple chin up flips, somersaults onto a 50 foot ledge and jumps down into water. She then finds a horse and rides off.
DIANA
An 8-year old is beating these women warriors with ease. I guess it's true what they say, if you are born with perfect genes you don't have to try hard to be successful.
Diana, a demigod who can easily lift a minotaur over her head GETS CLOTHESLINED BY A loose twig and loses her horse.
DIANA
Wah! I am going to lose this race. It's a good thing that it covers the whole island and no one can see me cheat.
Diana pulls out a warp whistle and transports to level 8-4 at the finish line. She races toward the finish line when suddenly...her mom yanks her away.
HERA
WTF...Diana. I didn't raise a cheater. A murderer and a human genocide machine...yes, but not a cheater. You have to understand that the truth is the only thing we have in this life. The truest truth is true for those who are truly into the truth.
DIANA
That's the take home message we are sticking with?
HERA
This is on HBOMAX, Diana. Half of our shows are medieval smut. What did you expect?
FANBOY
(maximizes drool)
INT. STRANGER THINGS MALL- 1984
INT. JEWELRY STORE- 80s EDITION
ROBBER
This is a stick up. Give us all your jewelry. Not the diamonds or pearls, but the secret stuff you have in the back.
JEWELRY LADY
The autographed Batman poster by Michael Keaton or the magical stone of wish fulfillment.
Wonder Woman appears. She had been in hiding for over 70 years in Europe, but showing up to a mall in middle America just makes sense.
WONDER WOMAN
I don't want to make a spectacle of myself so I will stealthily take out these robbers.
She breaks thousands of dollars worth of glass and uses a magic golden rope to tie up people. She destroys the security cameras. It's the 80's so personal cameras have not been invented yet.
The Robbers take a young girl hostage.
YOUNG GIRL
Help! I need a strong female role model to help me believe that my dream of becoming anything can come true.
Wonder Woman uses her magic lasso to tie up the bad guys.
SPIDER-MAN
Stop it! Tie ups with rope and string are my thing, lady!
Wonder Woman throws the bad guys from the top of the mall onto the police car. Their internal injuries will be life threatening along with thousands of dollars of damage to the police department.
WONDER WOMAN
(jumps away)
Who cares? I am a role model.
INT. SMITHSONIAN LAB 80s
DIANA
Now for a normal day of being Diana Prince, a tall leggy super model with a masters in ancient history.
Barbara Minerva appears. She has toilet paper riding from her skirt, her two heels are different. Every unlevel surface brings her to a face plant. Kristen Stewart thinks her character is clumsy.
BARBARA
Another day on the job. Hello boy I work with.
BOY SHE WORKS WITH
Shut up! You invisible nothing!
BARBARA
Hello girl I work with.
GIRL SHE WORKS WITH
If I could remember you then I would wish you dead.
BARBARA
(is sad)
DIANA
Hello, I am Diana Prince. I heard they needed a gemologist to look at the stolen jewelry store artifacts.
BARBARA
Wowza! You are beautiful! If I had a genie lamp I would wish to be you!
DIANA
A genie lamp is a stupid plot for a comic book movie. Let's look at this magical stone that was uncovered. What can you tell me about it?
BARBARA
I am getting mixed messages from this rock. It has a Dollar Tree sticker on it, but the base is made of ancient metal. The crystal has a made in China imprint on it, but an ancient god inscribed on the bottom of it.
DIANA
I am going to take a wild swing that anyone who holds it will get one wish granted...like a dead boyfriend from 1916 coming back.
BARBARA
Yea, but that would belong in a kid's movie and not in the story of a warrior princess who fights ancient wars and beheads mythological monsters.
DIANA
You are right. Forget I said anything.
INT. DIANA'S 1980's APARTMENT
Diana has a whole wall dedicated to Chris Pine. His 1916 fold out of HOT WORLD WAR I SOLDIERS MONTHLY is on the wall and a few shrines to him are littered about.
DIANA
I really miss my 1916's boyfriend, Trevor. We had three days of great memories. Not a single person has had that impact on me in the last 70 years.
INT. SMITHSONIAN 80s EDITION
After Barbara gets oogled, attacked, and molested by six homeless men, a senator, a priest, and a construction worker, she makes it to her office at night. She grabs the magic stone.
BARBARA
Please make me a respectable actress in the DC universe like Michelle Pfeiffer or Kim Basinger. I don't want to be remembered as the sketch lady on SNL who can't handle surprise news.
Her wish gets granted. Three blocks away Tom Hanks is making a wish to become an adult.
INT. MAX LORD'S OFFICE IN THE 80s
MAX LORD
I need a status report of my oil fields.
ASSISTANT
All your oil wells are dry. Your Enron stocks have plummeted and Bernie Madoff says you are doing horribly in the stock market.
MAX LORD
Ave Maria! I should do some heavy research into my business findings and implement real data so I won't make the same mistake.
ASSISTANT
Where do you want me to put your issue of Magical Stones Monthly?
MAX LORD
Right next to my "Live, Love, Laugh" plaque.
ALISTAIR
Dad! It's your non-canon comic book son!
MAX LORD
Come here, my boy. If I could give you any wish what would you wish for?
ALISTAIR
That you could be Boba Fett and own a baby Yoda.
MAX LORD
Be realistic!
INT. SMITHSONIAN 80s PARTY
Max Lord meets a very stunning and popular Barbara. Cat calling goes up 8000%.
BARBARA
It's so great that you noticed me, Max. It's always refreshing when a guy stops looking at your brains and finally sees you for who you really are, a leggy super babe.
MAX LORD
I have an idea! Let's make out in a room, but not just any room, the room with the most magical stone.
Max Lord steals/borrows the stone.
DIANA
I need to find Max so he doesn't touch the stone.
STEVE TREVOR
Diana, is that you?
DIANA
Steve??? Did you inhabit some random dude's body just to come back from the dead?
STEVE TREVOR
Yes I did! Let's try to bury that plot tidbit below this fantastical garbage fire.
They make 80s love in the 80s apartment.
INT. MAX LORD'S 80s HOUSE
MAX LORD
The powers of Big, Neverending Story II, and Duck Tales The Movie. I call upon you. Give me all my wishes. Actually no...let me become a wish maker. Actually no...let me become a wish maker who has some agreement that when I grant a wish something horrible happens to the person that wishes it and gives me great power.
That happens because DC can't present a story conflict naturally to save their life.
EXT. THE STREETS AT 80s NIGHT
Barbara is walking down the street. She has been cat called 12000% more than yesterday.
DRUNK BUM
Hey, hot stuff. I would like to molest you if you have a spare five minutes.
BARBARA kicks out his guts.
BARBARA
I enjoyed that. Hear me, evil men of the world, if you try to get cheeky with me I will kick out your guts.
Bill Cosby runs away.
EXT. ART MUSEUM OF THE EIGHTIES
Diana shows Steve Trevor around the art museum.
STEVE TREVOR
Wow, life has changed dramatically. Cars go faster, planes can hold more than three people, and people of color are safe to go about their business.
DIANA
Well.....
STEVE TREVOR
I don't understand what art looks like being from the past. This model looks like a garbage receptacle that is on fire and filled with broken dreams.
DIANA
That is called the DC Extended Universe.
STEVE TREVOR
Okay, we had a few fun montages of me doing a reverse Pretty Woman dressing scene, but I think we should acknowledge some kind of conflict in the plot.
DIANA
How about we go to the Middle East in a plane that we stole, but I forget to tell you about how radar works, so the director has to justify an invisible plane schtick? I forgot to tell you my dad invented magic that I can produce with my hands that turns planes invisible.
STEVE TREVOR
That fits really well with making wishes.
PATTY JENKINS
We are so quirky!!
EXT. MIDDLE 80s EAST
Max Lord has tons of oil fields. He is visiting an oil Czar to get more oil fields.
MAX LORD
May I borrow your oil fields?
OIL CZAR
Yes, but in return I wish that my country was free from immigrants and people who need help.
MAX LORD
Only a mad man would put all his energy and time into keeping people out of his country.
Donald Trump's ears perk up.
OIL CZAR
Thank you for granting my wish, but I must tell you that I don't actually own my oil fields. You would know that if you actually did some research instead of relying on genie lamps.
MAX LORD
Fine, let me just take a few armed guards and a fleet of armored cars. Totally worth the plane trip and I am sure I will find a way to get all these men and cars over to America.
EXT. 80s MIDDLE EAST ROAD
Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman are chasing down Max Lord. Wonder Woman keeps getting shot in the same shoulder. Poor CGI backgrounds are used because Warner Bros has not been copying Marvel's homework. A live action Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote movie would look better. Seriously, how did this studio make Harry Potter?
STEVE TREVOR
Diana, you keep taking bullets to the body. I think your wish is making you lose powers.
WONDER WOMAN
Holy point, counter-point, Batman. I need to make a decision. Do I keep my boyfriend who hijacked some random dude's body or do I undo my wish?
STEVE TREVOR
You could kill Max Lord.
WONDER WOMAN
Me a killer? I am just a quirky female role model that lassos people in fun and creative ways.
SPIDER-MAN
I have a cease and desist order.
INT. DIANA'S 80's SURVEILLANCE ROOM
STEVE TREVOR
Since it is my job to notice things and set up plot shots so you can spike them, I notice you have this cool armor.
DIANA
Here, grab my lasso. It has the power to insert flashbacks. The armor was used by Asteria. When the Amazons were hightailing it out of man's home, Asteria put on the armor and let this ancient army beat her to death. We forgot we had an honor code back then. The armor somehow was in mint condition and easy to retrieve despite an evil army destroying one of our own. Luckily, I was able to walk right over the next day and grab it.
STEVE TREVOR
This movie is a crap shoot buffet.
DIANA
I should have grabbed the wishing stone and asked for a Marvel role.
INT. THE PRESIDENT'S 80s OFFICE
MAX LORD
Mr. President, I am going to grab your hands, get uncomfortably close and grant your wish.
SECRET SERVICE
We will watch to see how it plays out.
PRESIDENT
I know I just met you, but I think a good first impression is to tell you that I wish every nuclear missile was aimed at Russia.
MAX LORD
Thank you! Could you also throw in a last fight scene location. This movie is kind of dragging its feet.
PRESIDENT
You can go to our secret island with a huge satellite. It's a military compound where we punish terrorists by forcing them to watch 700 Club by hijacking their TV. If someone were to have a real stupid power where people have to say "I wish" then it would be very effective.
WONDER WOMAN
Stop, Max Lord! The streets are filled with riots and global unrest because of your wish granting.
MAX LORD
In the future those will be called Executive Orders.
WONDER WOMAN breaks every bone in the Secret Service's body to prove to the president that she is a hero who wishes no harm on humanity. No one shoots Steve Trevor because he looks like Chris Pine.
BARBARA
I won't let you hurt Max Lord. We made out in my office for ten seconds. He granted my wish to have everyone forget 2016's Ghostbusters.
They fight. Max Lord escapes to secret island.
INT. 80s HELICOPTER
BARBARA
I will protect you, Max Lord.
MAX LORD
Since my powers have no real rules that are consistent, I want to grant you another wish.
BARBARA
I was watching Disney's Cheetah Girls and I wish I could have a respected career like Raven Simone.
MAX LORD
Shazam! It is yours.
EXT. 80s QUIET RIOT STREETS
All heck has broken loose because...you know...wishes. Ironically, no one in the Justice League will bring up that one time the whole world went into chaos and destruction where missiles were flying everywhere. Really puts Darkseid's plan on a lower rung.
STEVE TREVOR
The world needs you, Diana. With me around you are still pretty powerful, but a tad easier to tackle and shoot.
DIANA
(has tantrum)
I can't make you go away, Trevor! I love you. (holds breath) (stomps feet). I will never love again (weeps emotionally) (crosses arms)
STEVE TREVOR
I am begging you, Diana. Marvel might offer me the role of Johnny Storm. Please take me out of my misery.
DIANA
Fine, but please add one more crap shoot plot point.
STEVE TREVOR
(hands her a Red Bull)
Here. It gives you wings.
DIANA
Achievement Unlocked: Flight!
Diana flies over the ocean. Then she flies back to her apartment. Then she flies back over the ocean. Then the editor gets fired (hopefully). On her way to the island she uses her magic lasso to grapple onto lightning. The lasso has the power to go a mile long because...you know...believing and stuff.
THOR
Suddenly, my sequel doesn't look as dumb.
INT. SATELLITE OF THE 80s
MAX LORD
I am Max Lord! Everyone listen to me. I have control of every TV and computer monitor. Somehow, the 80's IBM computers that have 2 colors on them can display HD quality footage of my face. You know...wishes and stuff. Everyone make a wish and I will grant it.
MICHAEL KEATON
I wish I could star in 2 out of the 5 best Batman movies
GEORGE CLOONEY
I wish for bat nipples in mine.
WONDER WOMAN
Stop Max. People are making horrible wishes.
CHEETAH
Hello Wonder Woman! You might wonder why I look like a Playstation One cut scene. I am the Cheetah!
They fight. Lots of flips, punches and kicks. Wonder Woman has her golden armor. Cheetah punches it off with ease. No one cares. Finally, Cheetah gets thrown into the water where she is electrocuted.
WONDER WOMAN
Looks like we will become mortal enemies for life.
CHEETAH
I stop being Cheetah!
WONDER WOMAN
Never mind. I think Chris Catan, Tina Fey, or David Spade would have been a worthier opponent.
Max Lord and Wonder Woman fight. He knocks her down and suddenly her legs stop working. She is only able to monologue. Max stands in the center of the satellite's wish generator and absorbs wish magic.
MAX LORD
I will give you any wish you want!
WONDER WOMAN
Through darkest wish
and brightest wish
No evil shall escape my wish
For those who follow evil's wish
Beware my power, Green Lantern's wish
Max realizes that the lasso is around his foot, while Wonder Woman reads her poem about truth and beauty, which is somehow a call back as to why you shouldn't cheat in a foot race.
MAX LORD
I see the truth! I am actually based on a more cooler villain who doesn't have such a lame power. I am supposed to be a total BA and not a goof ball.
The world goes back to normal. Max Lord is able to get off scott free even though his crimes were unspeakable anarchy and chaos that makes Magneto look like a convenient store crook.
MAX LORD
I am reunited with my son and my life is back on track.
PATTY JENKINS
What's it like being in a light hearted and sugary Wonder Woman sequel with nonsense plot points?
MAX LORD
(Points to the DCEU)
The money is good
(Points to The Mandalorian)
But it could be better.
FANBOY
(drools harder)
AFTER 80s CREDITS
Batman, Robert Pattinson, looks at the tanking Rotten Tomato and IMDB scores of this movie. He sees a generation of fans losing hope in the almost 100 year old comic book company. He has the Infinity Gauntlet in his hand.
BATMAN
Fine, I'll save the company myself.
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