3rd Grade Scripts: Gemini Man

 

EXT. MANY MILES FROM A TRAIN

Henry Brogan is lying on a hill with a sniper rifle. He is successfully holding the RB on his Xbox controller to steady his shot. There is a train that is three miles away.

MARINO

Okay, a train leaving for Boston is traveling at 60 miles per hour. If you have a high-powered sniper rifle going perpendicular at what time will the cleaning crew need Lysol to clean the blood stains of the Russian terrorist you need to frag?

HENRY

Ah hell nah! I keep getting typecast as an assassin that can make impossible sniper shots. At least this movie won't be a flop.

MARINO
Actually...

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Well, let me make this impossible shot.

Henry fires his rifle from a million miles away and the bullet goes into the Russian dude. A victory screen at the top says "#1 Royal Victory." Henry starts dabbing.

INT. BUTTERMILK PANCAKES AND A SIDE OF SAUSAGE GEORGIA

Henry is in his compound. He is inches away from signing his retirement papers. A wild Del Patterson shows up to offer one last job.

DEL
You are three headshots away from a platinum trophy and elite status.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I am done with the killing business. My soul is dark. I can't look in the mirror without seeing the dead. I am so old I keep blaming my kills on lag.

DEL
You are the best shooter in the business. Twitch banned your account twice because they thought you were using an aimbot. Everyone is a noob compared to you.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I can't be the best assassin that was ever made in the history of the world.

DEL

You are. End of story. I will hold my breath and stomp my feet until you reconsider retirement.

EXT. SHRIMPIN BOAT DOCK

Henry needs to get a boat for his first day of retirement. He notices Danny, a young college student, handing out boats like it's her job (because it is). 

DANNY

Welcome to FBI boats. I will be your boat lady today and not the person spying on you.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Seems legit.

INT. AN OCEAN

Henry climbs onto a yacht owned by a friend he just happened to meet while crossing the ocean.

JACK

Did you forget to tell the audience about why you are climbing onto this strange yacht?

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Oops. (turns to audience). Jack contacted me off screen to tell me something is up with my last mission.

JACK

Now for our oorah chant. May there be no wars until there are wars which are not wars.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I am sure that chant will make sense as we keep saying it.

JACK

Okay, back to business. There is something fishy with your last mission. That Russian guy you sniped was not a terrorist. He was a graduate in Will Smith Cloning Sciences.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Will you be safe telling me this vital information?

AMERICAN SATELLITE

Yes, please continue talking.

INT. EVIL DEFENSE HQ

LASSITER

Henry knows too much because Jack told him to be suspicious.

CLAY

How can we make sure that Henry doesn't get more suspicious?

LASSITER

We send a murder team to his house and all his loved one's houses to kill the ever living daylights out of them.

CLAY
I have a warehouse filled with Will Smiths that we can use.

LASSITER

Not yet. We need to send some level one bad guys before we send a mini-boss.

EXT. SHRIMPIN BOAT

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Remember when you said you were not a spy. I think you were lying.

DANNY

I can prove it. Go to my website www.notaspy.gov.

HENRY

Knock knock

DANNY

Who's there?

HENRY
Imma Spy

DANNY

Imma Spy who.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I got you. Who sent you?

DANNY

Dang it. You uncovered my plan to spy on you by offering you boat rentals and then sitting here and waiting for you to come back so I can have a minute of interaction with you.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I guess I uncovered the governments plot to keep tabs on me. I can sleep easy tonight knowing that I got the better of them.

INT. GEORGIA COMPOUND

Henry wakes up to some loud stealth. The kill team in charge of taking him out is shuffling their feet and banging drums. He gets out his gun and wastes them. 10 XP! Headshot! Combo breaker!

He goes to Danny's house and wakes her up.

HENRY
Ah hell nah. Give me one reason why I shouldn't shoot you?

DANNY

Without me you need to have romantic chemistry with Benedict Wong.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. Alright, I will save you.

EXT. BOAT SHRIMPIN DOCK

Danny and Henry find a speed boat to escape.

DANNY

You seem like the best assassin to ever live in the history of the universe, but even you must have some weaknesses.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I am only allergic to bee stings, drowning, heights, stab wounds, peanut butter, bullets, ragweed, hay, and the 2018 Oscars.

DANNY

I hope no one uses those things against you.

INT. CASTAWAY ISLAND, GEORGIA

BARON

Hello, I am the quirky pilot in this action movie. Allow me to add some levity. How do you find Will Smith in the snow. You look for Fresh Prince.

HENRY

 Ah hell nah. Just take us to a random country.

BARON

(spins random wheel)
How does Colombia sound?

DANNY

Sounds like a great place to have gun battles.

EXT. COLOMBIA STREET, COLOMBIA

Henry is being hunted by an assassin who could afford the night security guard DLC. Henry is about to kill the poor idiot but then he notices that the person looks sorta, kinda, like him so he decides to prolong the battle with a car chase and a motorcycle chase. His nemesis will be named The Fresh Prince of Kill Air.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Ah hell nah. Who is this guy? It's like he knows my every move. Every time I shoot him he refuses to get hit by my bullets. No one has ever done that before.

HENRY
Ah hell nah. Who is this guy? It's like he knows my every move. Every time I shoot him he refuses to get hit by my bullets. No one has ever done that before.

The FPOKA gets on a motorcycle and tries to do a vehicle kill using motorbike karate. The challenge timer runs out and he respawns.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. That stunningly handsome assassin found me in Colombia. We need a new country.

BARON

(spins random wheel)
How about Budapest?

DANNY

Good idea. Let's just borrow a commercial airline plane. Those are impossible to track.

They borrow a commercial airline plane. Budapest lets him land it anywhere with absolutely no qualms.

EXT. BUDAPEST ROAD, BUDAPEST

DANNY

I went to "www dot am I Will Smith's Clone dot science" and I inserted your DNA. It looks like that assassin is your exact clone.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I used to work for this evil military program called Gemini. They were having a community karaoke night where this dude named Clay dared me to give up my DNA. I thought it was harmless at the time.

DANNY

Seeing as you are the best man to ever hold a gun in the history of all time and space, I think they made a great decision to clone you.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. The good news is that I can give my clones my crap roles like After Earth and Shark Tale.

INT. BUDAPEST BUILDING, BUDAPEST

The Fresh Prince holds Danny hostage to lure Henry into a trap. Danny swallows microphone gum so Henry hears all about his plan.

HENRY

Ah hell nah, I bested you by doing things in the dark that you did not expect.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Ah hell nah, you flashed a flashlight in my eyes and kicked me in the gentleman area.

HENRY
Ah hell nah. I just have a few questions for you. Why are you here and why are you my clone?

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR
I am here because I botched the Creed 2 audition. I am your clone because you are the best kill machine to ever exist in the history of the multiverse.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. You know, this is nature versus nurture. I wasn't born with assassin skills. I actually had to be trained. You could have just taken some dude and given him the same training I had.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR
Ah hell nah. Without this cloning tidbit we are just an action movie about fathers who love their son.

They fight and FPOKA escapes.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. We need another random location.

BARON

(spins random wheel)
What bad luck, we got your home in Georgia where you are the most wanted man alive.

INT. EVIL GOVERNMENT HQ

FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Ah hell nah. Dad, you didn't tell me that I was a clone of the guy who starred in I Am Legend.

CLAY

You are grounded for not killing old Will Smith. No TV for a week. Get your elbows off the table. No son of mine is a vegetarian. I need to miss your baseball game for work.

FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Ah hell nah. I am just a lab experiment.

CLAY
No, you are my son. Now go back to your test tube chamber for bed. I will come in later to tuck you into the gene splicer.

EXT. TOTALLY LEGAL AIRPORT STRIP

Henry lands with his crew. The most experienced assassin in the world gets shot in the neck. Henry falls over and starts convulsing.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Ah hell nah. That bullet had bee venom, rag weed, drowning water, bullet juice, heights, and peanuts in it. I needed to know if you are who you say you are.

HENRY

Ahhh...hell...nah.

THE FRESH PRINCE OF KILL AIR

Looks like you are legit. Do you want to help me shoot my dad?

EXT. EMPTY GEORGIA STREETS

BARON

Guys, I have a confession. Today is my last day till retirement.

A missile explodes Baron's van. Everyone gets out except Baron.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I am going to miss Benedict Wongerbatch.

Clay's swat team tries to kill Danny and Henry. They get enough scope kills to achieve PVT ELITE III. Henry unlocks an airstrike and radar help. Henry has the Stopping Power perk on.

CLAY

Dang. We lost the first round. It's time to unleash Will Smith Zero Omega.

Will Smith Zero Omega has extra hitpoints and beefed stats. Henry, Danny, and FPOKA use red barrels, head shots, melee kills, and C4 to kill him.

WILL SMITH ZERO OMEGA

Ah hell nah. You guys were grinding levels. Not fair.

HENRY
Ah hell nah. You have a choice. You can surrender or I will force you to be in The Legend of Bagger Vance 2.

Will Smith Zero Omega dies.

CLAY

I am the final boss. You must choose to kill your father or let me live.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I can't have young me kill one more person. It will haunt him forever even though he just killed like twelve swat guys who had families.

Henry kills Clay.

INT. GEORGIA BAR

DEL

Looks like you saved the day again. Since you are the greatest soldier in all of eternity I wish I could get you back into the game.

HENRY

Ah hell nah. I just want to retire in the state where I killed lots of people.

DEL

No matter. We just found a killer who has better stats than you do.

HENRY

Ah hell nah?

JOHN WICK

Yea, I think I am back!