Professor Xavier wakes up in the mansion. It is January 1st, 1990.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Oh boy, the 90s. We have Milli Vanilli, The NWA, two decent Batman movies, and probably our last war in the Middle East.
MYSTIQUE
Wake up, professor, you need to address the off-again, on-again public to how great the X-Men are.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Wonderful, let's see. How should we use our enormous wealth, military prowess, and godlike powers today. Feeding the poor, stopping wars, reinventing the American education policy?
MYSTIQUE
There's a large fiery thing in space. We can shoot missiles at it.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Hot diggity dog. Call the 11th graders, cancel their SAT prep class and get them space suits.
EXT. SPACE
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Alright, roll call.
QUICKSILVER
Here. Gonna use up scene time for slow motion shots
JEAN GREY
Also here. The 80s were tough. Do you guys remember when I turned into that Phenix bird which killed the world's strongest mutant, Ivan Ooze.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Redacted! Next.
CYCLOPS
Cyclops here.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Who?
CYCLOPS
You know, the leader of the X-Men.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Nope, still got nothing.
CYCLOPS
My brother is Havok.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Halle Berry?
NIGHTCRAWLER
I am here. Do you remember I was in the last movie for 10 seconds?
WOLVERINE
I am not here. Good luck keeping this stinker afloat without me.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Okay, let's get this party started. There's a red and yellow fiery thing in space. We are going to launch ourselves at it and hope we each have a particular power that can help us overcome it.
JEAN GREY
This explains why we are all horribly behind in every subject.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Nonsense, you all have amazing powers. Everyone is getting into college on a soccer or football scholarship
Every mutant uses their abilities to save the crew from the fiery red and orange glowing thing. Everything goes to heck. Jean Grey absorbs the red and yellow orange thing.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Redacting previous storylines in 3...2...1
INT. PRESS MEETING
PROFESSOR XAVIER
And that is how my band of 9th, 10th, and 11th graders saved the space shuttle.
NEW YORK TIMES
Your school has one of the lowest testing rates. Education has been interrupted for your students on a daily basis. Why should anyone pay $1000 a month to go to Xavier's Mutant Academy.
BEAST comes running in and dunks a basketball from half-court.
NEW YORK TIMES
Your students will do fine in college. I withdraw my questions.
INT. MYSTIQUE'S ROOM
MYSTIQUE
Professor Xavier is going too far with the X-Men. He copied DC's Doom Patrol, he turned them into a military complex, and he has no plan for No Child Left Behind.
BEAST
I think you are just sad because you are Oscar nominated Jennifer Lawrence, but you are still playing the 17th least likeable X-Man in history. Also, you should be on the side of evil because Mystique has rarely been a hero.
MYSTIQUE
At least the 90s cartoon on Fox will make me look hot.
BEAST
I keep forgetting. What is even your power in this movie?
MYSTIQUE
Credibility to a dying brand.
BEAST
Well, it looks like they need to keep you for a long time if you are holding this movie up.
EXT. FOREST PARTY
JEAN GREY
Scott, I am getting these weird redacted powers. My voice is changing, I am thinking about boys, I am getting hair in funny places.
CYCLOPS
You are either transforming into a world ending psychopath or puberty.
JEAN GREY
I am wondering if I should go completely crazy and put everyone's life in danger or help out mankind.
CYCLOPS
That first scenario sounds familiar, but with better actors.
JEAN GREY
At least this one has better villains
EXT. A DIFFERENT FOREST
Aliens come to earth. They look like a CGI model that comes free with the animation software. They walk into a dinner party at a cabin.
ALIEN ADOBE STOCK IMAGE 1
Take us to your leader.
PEOPLE
Oh no, Skrulls.
ALIEN ADOBE STOCK IMAGE 2
We are not Skrulls! We are just an alien race that can transform into the likeness of anyone we want.
PEOPLE
Oh no, low-budget Skrulls.
EXT. JEAN GREY'S HOUSE
JEAN GREY
To keep from going insane I should visit my home and catch up with my parents.
JEAN'S PARENTS
We turned your room into the cat's litterbox place
JEAN GREY
How dare you?????!!
Jean starts destroying things with her mind. Finally people in a white neighborhood can experience violence.
CYCLOPS
Guys, even though she is killing people be gentle. She is just misunderstood.
MYSTIQUE
Time for Mystique to earn her paycheck. I am coming to save the day...
MYSTIQUE gets impaled by a forest.
BEAST
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
CYCLOPS
Guys, let's look at the bright side. Now she can be in more Oscar nominated movies.
DIRECTOR
Your next role is a romance space story with Chris Pratt
MYSTIQUE
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
EXT. MAGNETO'S COMPOUND
BEAST
I feel like we are forgetting a triple A actor who carried this series.
MAGNETO
Did somebody call me?
BEAST
Jean Grey ate a nasty cosmic taco and became an evil space villain.
MAGNETO
Well, I think the best thing for you to do is live among known global terrorists who have the will to threaten the president's life.
BEAST
We have to kill Jean Grey. She has too much power. Yesterday I spent the whole day believing the Monkees were better than the Beatles. Also the highest paid actress got fridged by her.
MAGNETO
This Jean Grey sounds horrible. It's a pity that she has to start her career in this stinker of a movie.
BEAST
The good news is that she is finishing the final season of Game of Thrones and we both know that series can do no wrong.
INT. A RANDOM MANSION
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Jean Grey, your powers have gone too far. Let me help you.
JEAN GREY
Dana is not here. There is only Zuul.
PROFESSOR XAVIER
Don't you know that you have cosmic powers that can end whole galaxies? The comic book had made you an unstoppable force.
JEAN GREY
Yes, but now I can do things like make you walk upstairs without your chair.
STAN LEE
(From the grave)
I hate you guys.
CYCLOPS
Stop, Jean, this isn't you. You are a better person.
JEAN GREY
You think that I am still good on the inside and I can overcome this alien entity?
CYCLOPS
No, I mean as an actress. You are so above this role.
JEAN GREY
You are right. Thank goodness Game of Thrones will redeem this turd with its final season.
INT. A TRAIN FIGHT SCENE
BRIAN SINGER
(Puts on director hat)
Ummm...guys. I have been reading the script and it looks like this movie is flopping. I am adding a BA train scene.
NIGHTCRAWLER
Sweet. Will we fight Onslaught, Magneto, Thanos, or zombies?
BRIAN SINGER
We still have three days left on our animation software so we are fighting the stock image aliens.
A train fight scene envelopes. Mutants do some awesome smashing and lasering.
EXT. OUTSIDE TRAIN FIGHT SCENE
ALIEN ADOBE STOCK IMAGE 1
We finally found you, Jean Grey. We were following around the cosmic power in hopes that a professor would take his high school on a space trip and one of his students would accidentally absorb it. We really got lucky.
JEAN GREY
So now you will train me to blow up planets and end all human life.
ALIEN ADOBE STOCK IMAGE 1
Nah, I just want to touch it.
Alien touches it...and dies.
INT. MANSION
PROFESSOR XAVIER
We saved the world again. Well actually we caused this problem with enormous negligent behavior and poor accountability. But at least we kept the death rate below 1000.
BEAST
The only way to redeem ourselves is to move forward. Things can get better.
Fox studios drops the script to New Mutants.
FOX STUDIOS
Actually guys.
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