Ladies and gentleman (or mostly gentleman because women have too much self respect), Pierce Brosnan as the only James Bond worthy to follow Sir Timothy Dalton.
We give to you: Dying is for Tomorrow or Another Day
Theme song provided by Aqua (famous for Barbie Girl)
If you brush regularly you won't get tooth decay
Bombs are something that will blow you away
If you are a cat don't be a stray
Dying is for tomorrow or another day
EXT. RUSSIAN NUCLEAR/MILITARY PLANT
M
(Over earpiece)
Double O 7, this opening mission is of second most importance compared to the one we have later. The Russians have taken something that could explode or stop something we own from exploding. You need to get in there and start shooting enough people until you find a vehicle to steal which you will automatically know how to pilot.
BOND
(Brosnans stealthfully)
I am in position. I should be bringing in an army or a swat team, but one guy with a pistol is more than enough. Unlike my last 80 missions, this one should go without a hitch.
James Bond gets off some pistol shots, uses a machine gun, throws a few grenades, pops off a missile.
BOND
(thinking things over while an army of Russians misses him with gunfire)
Nards, my crazy bullet time put a leak in the nuclear fission chamber. Everything will explode.
BOND gets into the only vehicle he feels comfortable with. A STEALTH BOMBER with Russian instructions.
BOND outmaneuvers trained pilots. A helicopter is about to shoot him down, but he pushes the ejection button, flies out of his seat and uses his parachute to push the Russians gun toward the helicopter controls.
BOND
Looks like you got para shooted!
RUSSIAN GENERAL
This is an act of war!
RUSSIAN LIUTENANT
The idea that a British spy attacked our military base?
RUSSIAN GENERAL
That I can forgive. That pun though.
INT. MI-6 HQ
M
Great work, Bond! You killed a lot of Russian militants and nuked a military base starting the greatest aggressive act in military history. It's time to get your paycheck for this movie.
BOND
Oh boy.
A room opens up with a gallery of women in bathing suits.
M
You are allowed to PG-13 make out and fondle one of them.
BOND
Thank God women's rights have not been invented yet.
BOND does the PG-13 thing and we watch.
M
Hope you enjoyed it. You get one more paycheck this movie. We are shipping you out to Switzerland. We believe that the Swiss are holding a conference called EVIL SPY FEST. The keynote speaker will be Von Guten Bitter Fist. He will be unveiling a satellite that will broadcast the Nazi/Communist channel to all homes in the west. He calls it the Home Utility Laser Upender or HULU for short. We need you to take it down.
BOND
Can I get more intel?
M
Just show up to stuff, shoot stuff, sleep with stuff until you have a showdown with Von Guten Bitter Fist on the top of a train.
A wild MONEYPENNY appears.
MONEYPENNY
Hello Bond. I see you really stripped down the competition
BOND
I got in close and personal
MONEYPENNY
You really gave Russia the rubdown
BOND
I massaged my options
M
Good grief, are you two finished? Did the sexual harassment seminar mean nothing to you?
INT. Q's WEAPONS FACILITY
Q
On this mission you will be surrounded by terrorists of all shapes and sizes. I am going to make sure you are given the exact gadget you need for whatever random calamity occurs.
BOND
Can I get a cellphone that is always connected to the internet?
Q
Good Lord, Bond! Is this the year 3000? Can you imagine the dial-up modem we would need for that? I was thinking of normal things you would carry around with you. A toothbrush that has a grappling hook, a pistol that shoots out knives, a pen that turns into a combat shotgun, and a bowtie that turns off compasses.
BOND
Which car do I get?
Q
As your cover story for infiltrating EVIL GENIUS FEST, you will be an evil media mogul for the Forever Operations X-ray News or FOX News for short. You will need an inconspicuous car.
Q unveils the Ford Fiesta X3000 Sport.
BOND
This is where I get a fancy car?
Q
We used up your entire car budget settling on the sexual harassments cases you receive. Six of those were from M.
BOND
My horn doggedness knows no boundaries.
INT. SWISS CONFERENCE
BOND infiltrates Evil Genius Fest. He infiltrates the bar and then infiltrates the hostess. The keynote speech begins.
VON GUTEN BITTER FIST
Ladies and gentleman, I am Von Guten Bitter Fist of Bitter Fist International. Here with me is my lovely assistant Lady Luscious Legs and my armed muscle Meat McGrinder. For too long, the west has abused its power with its open capitalism, Pokemon card trading, democracy, and antiquated toilet paper system. My satellite will beam down a channel that will force them to watch Nazi and Communist propaganda 24/7. The public will become so indoctrinated that they will spend most of 2020 bickering and fighting over which political system has more Nazism or Socialism. HULU will reign supreme.
JEFFREY DHAMER
That's a bit cruel, don't cha think?
TED BUNDY
You should turn down the evil just a bit
OJ SIMPSON
I thought my deeds were evil.
BOND sticks around for the VON GUTEN after-party
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
I have not seen you around before.
BOND
I get around. What is a beautiful girl like you doing with a blowfeld like Von Guten Bitter Fist?
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
I wanted to be a physicist at MIT, but my legs were too beautiful. This is the only job where I can get good dental.
BOND
I hope I am not being too forward when I ask if you could come back to my place for some innuendos and PG-13 activities.
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
Usually men just want to hit on me. Finally a guy who thinks of me as an equal.
MEAT MCGRINDER
I need to see you outside, Mr. Bond.
BOND
Mr. Bond? Who is that? I am Jeff Bezos of FOX News.
MEAT MCGRINDER
You are wearing a nametag that says Bond, James Bond.
BOND
Nards, I couldn't spell Jeff Bezos.
Meat McGrinder takes Bond out back and gives him a few thrashes to the face and stomach. Bond is in danger.
MEAT MCGRINDER
I left you half dead in this alley. Let this be a warning for you never to interfere with Von Guten Bitter Fist. I am going to leave and fully trust that you won't interfere again.
BOND
I will probably try to stop your boss again.
MEAT MCGRINDER
Think it over. My next meeting with you will be even worse. Purple nerples and Indian rug burns.
BOND
This guy doesn't play around.
INT. SWISS MISS HOTEL
M
Good work Bond, the entire operation knows you are here. You need to strike quickly.
BOND
We know his evil plot. Can we send in an army?
M
Is this a Bond movie or a British Army Saves the Day movie?
BOND
(shamefully)
A Bond movie.
M
Good. Now go back to the evil base and kill everyone.
A wild FELIX LIGHTER appears
FELIX LIGHTER
Hello, old friend.
BOND
Felix, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead.
FELIX LIGHTER
I thought you were Timothy Dalton.
BOND
Fair enough. Are you trying to take down HULU.
FELIX LIGHTER
Yes. The United States has set up a weapon that lassos satellites in space. It is a net that you activate by flicking your wrist.
BOND
The Netflix? Impressive. Netflix is the only weapon that can stop HULU.
FELIX LIGHTER
I need your help, old chum. Bitter Fist will be at a party and only guests with Euro accents are allowed. I won't be let in.
BOND
Sounds boring, rubbish, and pointless.
FELIX LIGHTER
The theme of the party is Bad Gambling Decisions and Women Who Had Too Much to Drink.
BOND
Count me in.
INT. CASINO ROYALE WITH CHEESE
Bond is making thousands of francs and pounds at the Rock, Paper, Scissors table. Meat McGrinder shows up.
MEAT MCGRINDER
The boss wants to see you.
BOND
Nards, let me finish this drink, make some quick PG-13 affections with this girl named Bambi, and meet you in five minutes.
INT. BITTER FIST'S OFFICE
Bond was only given three minutes with Bambi and his drink. He is now standing handcuffed in front of Bitter Fist. There's a large swordfish swimming in a tank behind him. Lady Luscious Legs is wearing a gold dress.
BITTER FIST
I am starting to think you don't work for FOX NEWS.
BOND
I am on to your plan, Bitter Fist. I will stop your satellite and your evil plans.
BITTER FIST
I was going to chastise you with a verbal warning, but since you bluntly told me your plans, I am going to have Meat McGrinder dunk you in my swordfish tank. Do you know how aggressive swordfish are when a Brit is swimming in their tank.
BOND
No?
BITTER FIST
Me neither. Let's find out.
Bond is dunked in the tank. He uses his bowtie to shutdown every compass, he uses his pen shotgun to puncture the glass, he uses his pistol to shoot a knife at the metal chains around his foot, he uses his grappling hook toothbrush to climb out of the tank, and finally he uses his charm to score a date with the swordfish.
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
We have underestimated you, Bond.
BOND
No lady has underestimated me twice. Growl.
Q
(over the sat phone)
Bond, we just got a sexual harassment cease and desist over the fax just now. What are you doing?
BOND
Sorry.
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
Here is my convoluted backstory. I was a poor Armenian farm girl until Bitter Fist hired me so I could feed my family. He later killed my family as a lesson to me for being disloyal. He then later resurrected my family as a gift to me for my 16th birthday. I owe him everything and hate him.
BOND
So I can use you to stop him?
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
Kind of. Sort of. Maybe.
BOND
How about I give you some time to think about this? You can sleep on it.
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
Okay. I was going to go back to my hotel room and be vulnerable and in need of a man.
BOND
On second thought, let me get your decision tonight.
INT. SWISS MISS HOTEL
Bond gets a phone call from Felix Lighter.
FELIX LIGHTER
I have some secret information that I cannot share with you over my phone.
BOND
Did Bitter Fist bug your phone?
FELIX LIGHTER
Worse, a startup called Facebook is collecting data and selling it to businesses.
BOND
Now that is a true villain.
EXT. SWISS PARK
Bond meets Felix Lighter in the dead of night.
FELIX LIGHTER
Alright, Bond, here is the secret information you need.
BOND
Let me have it.
Felix straps Bond to a rocket.
FELIX LIGHTER
I am sorry, Bond. I was working for Bitter Fist the whole time. America needs HULU. It has a better ad revenue stream than Netflix.
BOND
Felix? You turned on me.
FELIX LIGHTER
A lot has changed. You starred in Mrs. Doubtfire and I was recast as a person of color.
BOND
I should have known you were working for them. Your t-shirt literally says "I Love Bitter Fist and all his ideas"
FELIX LIGHTER
The good news is that Bitter Fist is having his unveiling party on his moon base. This rocket will take you to the moon, but then you will die.
BOND
I am also sorry, Felix.
FELIX LIGHTER
What for?
BOND
As you were talking, I tied you to the rocket.
FELIX LIGHTER
(looks down to see he is strapped to the rocket)
Very impressive, Bond.
Bond sets off that rocket.
BOND
This will make for some Prime Video.
INT. THE MOON BASE
James Bond activates the space rocket feature on his Ford Fiesta.
BOND
Bitter Fist! The gig is up. I am going to stop your satellite.
BITTER FIST
That would be quite tricky, Bond, as you see the Stop Satellite button is behind me. You would have to shoot me in order to do that and everyone knows you don't kill.
BOND
That is an issue that Daniel Craig will have to wrestle with. My only moral dilemma is drinking and sleeping around.
MEAT MCGRINDER
I should have killed you when I had the chance.
BOND
Let's take this to the space train.
INT. SPACE TRAIN
Meat McGrinder wrestles with Bond on the train. The train needs to go 60 miles per hour or it will explode for some reason. Meat has Bond pinned down on top of the train.
MEAT MCGRINDER
Looks like it's over for you.
BOND
You have tunnel vision.
Meat's head gets taken off as the train goes into the tunnel.
INT. MOON BASE OFFICE
Bitterfist is holding Lady Luscious Legs hostage. A red alert countdown is going off. Gru and his minions are scurrying in the background.
BITTER FIST
I set the base to self-destruct, I have your side candy at gunpoint, and I am inches away from the START SATELLITE BUTTON.
BOND
You are forgetting one important detail, Bitter Fist.
BITTER FIST
What?
BOND
I traded places with you while you were talking.
Now Bond is in front of the START SATELLITE BUTTON and holding Lady Luscious Legs hostage.
BITTER FIST
Suxors.
BOND stops the satellite, handcuffs Bitter Fist to his desk, has five minutes alone with Lady Luscious Legs, and escapes the moon base.
LADY LUSCIOUS LEGS
You are my hero and I feel like we have bonded over something that will bring us close forever. I can see a wonderful and long lasting relationship coming out of...
BOND
(throws her out into space)
We tried marriage in this series and it sucked.
INT. MI-6 HQ
M
You did it again, Bond. The world is safe for now. The United States is going to replace Felix Lighter with Ethan Hunt of Mission Impossible.
BOND
For Queen and Country, M. Everything I do is for the good of my country.
M
Great. Your next job is to meet a man who is making a laser ray that makes people forget ten years of their life.
BOND
You want me to stop him.
M
Goodness, no! I want you to help him. The 90s were horrible to Bond movies. The next decade will give you some dignity and respect. Plus, women will actually haver non-sexual personalities. It's a brand new world out there.
BOND
(cries)
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