Clairemont and Cline's 308 Pages We Can't Get Back

 Clairemont and Cline's 308 Pages We Can't Get Back

The following is a transcript from the revenge podcast of Chris Clairemont and Ernest Cline, reading Conor Lastowka’s The Pole Vault Champion of the Universe

Clairemont: Welcome to 308 Pages We Can’t Get back. I am here with my co-host and fellow genius author, Ernest Cline

Cline: Sup turd burgers. Today we are finally getting back at the podcast 372 pages because of their libel and slander toward our award winning books. Conor Lastowka, our arch nemesis, has said some pretty horrible things about our books so we are going to roast his Pole Vault Champion book, which is 308 pages we can’t have back.

Clairemont: Well, let’s get started with chapter one. We have Kara Everglades meeting her dead grandfather. Let me just say right off the bat that I was not hooked by that sentence. Where does Kara Everglades live? I need a one page description of her surroundings. What trees grow in her neighborhood, what does each season look like, where is the closest mountain range? It’s those important details that get the reader sucked into the action. So we can just assume this character lives in a white void of nothingness.

Cline: Also, what year of the 80’s is this? We have no clues which tell us if this is the early or late 80’s. You think Conor could give us an Easter egg with an iconic 80’s movie reference off the bat. Kara does not wake up to any Huey Lewis and the News songs and she doesn’t eat Mr. T cereal. I feel like Conor’s wasting our time.

Clairemont: I couldn’t agree more. She mentions that her grandpa is dead, but not really. That is way too simple of a character description. He should have written of ten different rumors and speculations about who her grandpa is. What does the republic think of her grandpa? What are the internet rumors behind him? Why don’t we know what the UN thinks about the grandpa’s death? Conor is leaving money on the table with this blank writing style.

Cline: Absolutely, Conor says that Kara is a girl, but he should have made her a transgender 300 pound Pong addict named Karl with hairy knuckles. That is the only way to get your readers engrossed in a person. This girl seems too...girl like.

Clairemont: Well, I imagine her as fat, disgusting, and hippo shaped. It’s written so obviously in the text.

Cline: I imagine she looks like an 80’s Sailor Moon, with the body dimensions of 80’s Wonder Woman, and the mannerisms of an 80’s Molly Ringwald. You know...a real plain Jane.

Clairemont: It’s time for fanfic or real where we quiz each other on real parts of the book or our own writing style. Mr. Cline has made up some fanfic to stump me.

Cline: Here’s the first one. Kara Everglades was in the Oasis doing 80’s dance moves. Her dance moves were of the late 80’s style. An 80’s singer was playing 80’s pop music.

Clairemont: Nice try...that was Conor.

Cline: Here’s the second excerpt. Kara Everglades loved playing 1980’s X-men on the NES. She remembered playing it as a child. Her friend Shoto would tell her that the Wolverine sprite is based on the 1980’s actor John Travolta who was originally pegged to be in a running X-Men series alongside Mia Farrow. It was canceled because Travolta was in the 80’s classic Saturday Night Fever.

Clairemont: First of all...none of that is true. Why would Conor be so wrong about a series I love?

Cline: Beats me.

Clairemont: Okay, time to take emails from our listeners. We have a letter written by Tarah Gillepsie. She writes, “Kara iz goff or prep. I Ned to now. Can I hat her blonde face? Now MCR in stori? Waist me thyme. Raven sez hi.”

Cline: That’s constructive.We don’t know if she is goth or prep. Now we have a letter from Sean Penn. He actually drew us a picture.

Clairemont: Maybe you can explain it to our listeners.

Cline: I am really uncomfortable with what he drew. It disturbs me to the core. I didn’t even think a man could do that to a rabbit.

Clairemont: It disturbs you? You wrote a whole chapter on making love to robots that resemble ex-girlfriends and this disturbs you.

Cline: This is way worse.

Clairemont: Ooookay. Our last email is from a Bram Stoker. He….oh dear...he wrote some pretty racist things. I don’t think I should read them.

Cline: Join us next time as we figure out which era of the 80’s this is and figure out how hot the protagonist is. Your homework assignment is the second paragraph.