THE MANDALORIAN
EXT. OBLIGATORY COSMIC BAR ON ICE PLANET
GENERIC HENSON ALIEN COSTUME 1 and GENERIC HENSON ALIEN COSTUME 2 are in a bar drinking.
GHA1
Do you have the illegal goods?
GHA2
(Removes Star Wars Holiday Special)
Yes.
GHA1
Emperor Lucas will pay top cash for this if we burn it.
GHA2
But what if the Mandalorian catches us?
GHA1
He is just a myth. Or even worse, a wasted character in the original trilogy universe with an even worse backstory in the prequels. His Gamecube game sucked.
GHA2
But what if the company that resurrected the franchise decides to bring back old characters because of a need to make boomers feel relevant again?
GHA1
Then we are screwed!
The MANDALORIAN kicks the space saloon door in and starts shooting rockets and bullets.
EXT. MANDALORIAN PLANET OF BOUNTY HUNTERS
MANDALORIAN
Glad I can finally retire and settle down.
OLD MAN
I have this one job for you. A fifty-year-old sleeping alone in a baby cradle in an abandoned desert needs to be rescued/captured.
MANDALORIAN
Then I can retire?
DISNEY EXEC
(rolling in cash)
Not with all the bucks you are making
EXT. OBLIGATORY SPACE DESERT
MANDALORIAN
Glad I just jumped into this mission with no proper briefing, explanation, or map. Just going to ask the first person I find.
RANDOM FARMER
I know exactly how to get where you are going. You need the old abandoned metal cowboy saloon. I marked it on your Disney World Map. I also have some pithy pearls of wisdom for you to hark on and a comedic scene involving you on a space cattle that makes you look completely incompetent despite the awesome fight scenes you just had.
MANDALORIAN
Sign me up.
EXT. ABANDONED METAL COWBOY SALOON
MANDALORIAN
I am here. Just going to go up to that metal crib with a cooing fifty-year-old fully developed being.
BABY YODA
Surprise, I am the STAR of this production! Goo goo. Gah gah. Drool, spit, sneeze. Swallow a habitat of frogs!
MANDALORIAN
WTF? Are you okay with this Lucas?
EMPEROR LUCAS
(rolling in cash)
I can't hear you over this cash flow!
BABY YODA
Not the mama! Gotta love me! This show is considered a buddy cop genre.
MANDALORIAN
For Pete's Sake! Fine, let's just get this over with. I am just going to give you over to the perfectly innocent shadow group that works under the Dark Emperor who is known for causing planetary genocide. What is the worse that could happen?
INT. EVIL GENERAL'S HIDEOUT
EVIL GENERAL
We want to kill the baby or use it for evil. I can't tell. Maybe both.
MANDALORIAN
What? I was right on the nose?
BABY YODA
Goo goo. Spittle. Slurp. Cry. Sell toys!
MANDALORIAN
I can't do it. I will now go on multiple adventures with this tiny child, putting it's life in constant danger instead of finding a planet with loving foster parents to raise it up.
EVIL GENERAL
Whelp! Looks like I am going to hire every dishonorable thief in this town to fight you.
MANDALORIAN
Noooooooo! Why did I think the dishonorable thieves have honor. There's no way I can survive a whole town of seasoned sharpshooters. I guess I am doomed.
DISNEY EXEC
(diving into a pool of cash)
Hold up there mister. You have nine more episodes to do.
(Scratches out sharpshooters in the script and writes Storm Trooper level shooting)
Okay, you are good.
The Mandalorian shoots lasers and missiles and escapes.
EXT. WEIRD TRIBE IN A FOREST THAT IS NOT IN PORTLAND
MANDALORIAN
You know, for the future, there's a lot of rural areas with tribal people using wood and stone.
LOVE INTEREST?
Halt, this is a tribe that I protect. I am a possible love interest or at least a tease for future seasons.
MANDALORIAN
What about co-workers that respect each other despite having opposite genders.
LOVE INTEREST?
Nope. It's either deep Disney PG-13 Romance or nothing.
MANDALORIAN
I am here to hide a baby and keep them safe.
DISNEY EXEC
(swimming in river of gold)
A hidden baby doesn't sell toys and dolls.
I just invited the emperor here.
That is some fancy shooting. You killed a lot of men who have children waiting at home.
MANDALORIAN
Now's a good time to tell you about my honor code, which I will never break. I have a system of rules that can never be forsaken.
LOVE INTEREST?
You took a job with no knowledge, adopted a baby, and now you are playing nanny for at least 3 seasons. Your rules are trash.
BABY YODA
(counting stock options)
What'chu talkin about Willis?
EXT. ANOTHER PLANET THAT LOOKS LIKE THE WELFARE SYSTEM FAILED
MANDALORIAN
That was some crazy adventures. So many off-handed Star Wars references. Fans will be rolling in that filth for days.
An EVILER GENERAL who kind of resembles a Sith and is kind of holding a LIGHTSABRE.
EVILER GENERAL
Happy Death Day, Mando. My infinite army has finally found you. We can scour the universe with unlimited potential and force. We could be using our fortune and power to find hundreds of Yodas. Oh well... So give us that undeveloped baby!
THE MANDALORIAN and EVILER GENERAL get into a shooting war, involving the best CGI effects. MANDALORIAN, the ruthless killer who has assassinated with perfection and grace all who stand in his way will now destroy his enemy. Wait... NOPE. He shoots down his ship, assumes he is dead, and leaves.
EVILER GENERAL
I am still alive.
BABY YODA
Everyone worthy of being an action figure survives.
LOVE INTEREST?
Me too. I am just a cosmic Xena warrior rip-off and I made it. Women's Rights!
MANDOLORIAN
Well, I guess I am stuck in this until the money teat runs dry.
DISNEY EXEC
Buck up, Mando, it's going to be a fun ride. C'mon guys, I am having a party where we can snort caviar off of Princess Jasmine's arm.
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