EXT. GAS STATION
JOHNNY LAWRENCE staggers out of the gas station holding seven beers, smelling like airplane glue, covered in dirt, eyes bloodshot, pants are smeared in SEVEN liquids, there's six adult magazines in his left pocket and his right pocket there is a pink slip and an eviction notice. He sits down to eat a pizza that is covered in hemp leaves and syringes.
Suddenly TYPICAL BULLY 1 and TYPICAL BULLY 2 force MIGUEL DIAZ out of the gas station.
TYPICAL BULLY 1
Loser, gay, Mexican, stupid, dink
TYPICAL BULLY 2
Lameoid, poopy pants, girl, idiot
MIGUEL DIAZ
Leave me alone, guys. I am just a lowly, skinny, clean faced, and mildly attractive kid with low self-esteem who could easily find a date on a Friday night.
TYPICAL BULLY 1 gives him a wedgie
TYPICAL BULLY 2 gives him a swirlie
TYPICAL BULLY 1 funds the Trump border wall
TYPICAL BULLY 2 supports trickle down economics
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
(Drunkishly)
Leave the kid alone.
TYPICAL BULLY 1
What will you do?
JOHNNY LAWRENCE springs into action as if he practices karate daily and works out. You can throw all that character building away about him being drunk, out of shape, and clumsy because he uses spin kicks and fight moves to beat up the bullies who have no history of self-defense.
MIGUEL DIAZ
(helping knock down the border wall)
Wow, mister. That was amazing.
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
(Goes back to being drunk and useless)
(INSERT INSENSITIVE COMMENT)
MIGUEL DIAZ
Can you teach me karate? I get beaten up a lot, despite being tall, pretty, and well built.
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
(INSERT INSENSITIVE COMMENT)
MIGUEL DIAZ
Well, I guess it was crazy to ask a drunk man to teach me karate. Oh, yea, my mom is hot and one of two unmarried older females in this show.
INT. COBRA-KAI DOJO
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
Okay, the first lesson of Cobra-Kai is to punch anyone who looks at you differently. The second lesson is to continue to pester women until they get a restraining order. The third lesson is to do Scorpion's finishing move on all defeated enemies. (Puts down Mortal Kombat guide)
MIGUEL DIAZ
So your whole karate gig is based on three things that the world has decided makes you a scum bag. This was so worth the $55 an hour.
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
Now for your first lesson!
JOHNNY LAWRENCE kicks MIGUEL in the crotch seven times, then he holds him in a headlock for a minute, then he elbows him the sternum until it breaks, then he throws a wrench at his face.
MIGUEL DIAZ
(almost dead)
I didn't actually catch any of that.
JOHNNY LAWRENCE
Now you are ready to fight bullies.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL
DANNY LARUSSO is with his daughter, SAMANTHA LARUSSO, who does her best to fill the ginormous shoes that HILLARY SWANK filled in her iconic role in KARATE KID 4.
DANNY LARUSSO
The first day of school, Sam. Seems like a good time to remind you that your backstory involves karate lessons.
SAMANTHA LARUSSO
And your backstory involves getting insanely famous over winning one karate competition in the '80s, which has skyrocketed your career as a car salesman.
DANNY LARUSSO
Make good choices today. Oh look, your obligatory niche high school friends are here to interact with you.
FAT GIRL
I am lonely and fat.
GEEK BOY
I am geeky and gross.
BLONDE GIRL
I am rich and shallow.
MIGUEL DIAZ
I am cute, misunderstood, but very redeemable.
Suddenly TYPICAL BULLY 1 and TYPICAL BULLY 2 strode down the hall after successfully upending a protest in Portland.
Look! It's losers who need a beating in a public hallway.
The smart thing to do is to tell a teacher who will expel these obvious sex offenders.
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER
Sorry, kiddo. This school doesn't help kids with bullies. Your best bet is to befriend a drunk karate master seeking redemption and gradually learn the journey is more important than the destination.
Oh wow. Thanks for the support. Now I need to remind you that this is the 21st century and a budding female like myself can empower herself.
I need to use the lessons Johnny taught me to get a date with this girl. No Surrender! Hey Sam, go on a date with me or I will spin kick the windows in your house.
Sounds good. Pick me up at 7.
Oh, snap. Johnny Lawrence is telling a bunch of kids to hit other kids. Now I need to raise up my own karate child and enter them in this convenient tournament.
I hear you need an impressionable bad boy to raise in your image of Miyagi-Doh Karate. I was wondering if the spot was taken.
I don't know, I would need a very troubled student who is very impressionable.
ROBBY KEANE
My dad is just a stack of beer cans in the shape of a human. My mom dates someone new every hour. The last school I went to was Dr. Dre's school of hard knocks. I secretly hope the Green Party wins.
Alright, you convinced me. Time for some lessons. Here is a list of windows and cars for you to wash.
I did all those chores and I am not better at karate.
DANNY LARUSSO
Actually, you are.
Now you are a black belt.
Wow, it usually takes years to become a karate master, but you were able to shrink it into one montage.
Remember the rules. Hit people with foreign objects, break limbs, and follow the on-screen commands if you forget your move list.
Is there an appropriate time to break the rules you have been teaching us?
Only if my character arc involves a moral change.
(Looks at his watch)
I am overdue for one.
Okay, I had three lessons. I am ready.
DANNY LARUSSO
Just remember, you need to beat all the students who have been practicing karate till they were young. Should be easy because you know how to wash a window.
Dad, before you start the third most important tournament in your life, I want you to know that I have been dating Miguel Diaz, the number one student of Cobra-Kai.
Wow, honey, that is inappropriate for our karate dojo. You should date Robby Keane. He only steals computers. Actually, Robby, you never told me who your dad was.
ROBBY KEANE
(gets nervous)
Connie Dawrewnce?
Okay, Miguel, Robby Keane is my son and I am starting to care about him so I need you to forget every rule I ever taught you. Just have fun, be polite, and try your best.
MIGUEL DIAZ
Break his legs, crack his teeth, paralyze him. Got it.
My worst nightmare. My teaching actually influenced a kid to win.
MIGUEL DIAZ
I am the tournament champion.
THE CAPTION: Defeat Arcade Mode on Hard to Face AKUMA.
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