The following is the unedited script for AEW's All Out PPV.
Sears Center, Chicago
(2 blocks away from the small 200 seat venue that Impact Wrestling will be doing their Bound for Glory PPV)
Pre-Show:
Women's Battle Royale
Line up: Nyla Rose, Jazz, Sunny Kiss, A Social Justice Warrior, A women with no legs, A women with no arms, A women that is just a torso, Britt Baker, A women made out of wheelchair parts, A women who is just a head, Some variation of Kong.
Spots:
A bunch of people derping around the ring until the real wrestler comes and starts eliminating them
Winner:
Show:
Some Group Sings The National Anthem
SCU vs. Dinosaur Boy, Dinosaur Man, and Dinosaur Boy's Son
Pre-Match: SCU gently warms up the audience with soft encouragements.Daniels sounds like he is lecturing the audience on the importance of watching AEW on a regular basis
Spots:
Dinosaur Boy's Son comes in a stroller
Dinosaur Boy's Son starts flossing, dabbing, singing baby shark, making homemade slime, and hosting a surprise egg youtube video
Daniels gently moonsaults
Dinosaur Man kicks someone...they die
Scorpio Skye stomps on someone's back (1 of 1000 for tonight)
Winner: SCU with their finishing move "I Miss AJ Styles Moonsault"
Dave Meltzer Rating: 6 stars
Kenny Omega vs. Mox Pac
Pre-Match: Kenny Omega reminds the audience that he was in Japan at some point in time. X-Pac looks good for his age. Pac's gimmick is that he was born out of wedlock.
Spots:
Kenny does the "I went to Japan" Knee
Pac flips many times
Kenny does the "I went to Japan" suplex
Pac flips many times
Kenny does a double stomp (16 of 1000)
Winner: Pac with a Bronco Buster submission
Dave Meltzer Rating: 17 Stars
Joey "80's ski trip" Janela vs. Jimmy Havoc vs. Tony Hawk's Lil Brother -
Note: All matches will be sponsored by family dining establishments for the rest of the show.
Spots:
Havoc takes out a barrel of staple guns
THLB takes out a barrel of skateboards
Joey takes out a barrel of tables
Havoc does his finishing move successfully for the first time
Corn muffins are used
Winner: Jimmy Havoc 1w-40l
Meltzer Rating: 12 Stars
The Bromance vs. Discount Cosplay Pervs- Perkins Pummel
Pre-match: Discount Cosplay's Uno tries to look
Spots:
Pervs hit the Sunset Perv Flip
The Bromance Hugs, the audience loses their minds
Uno hits the perv splash
The Bromance hugs, Audience starts throwing their hotel keys
Pervs hit the perv driver
Winner: Not the audience
Meltzer Rating: 24 Stars
Riho vs. Hikaru Shikada - Panda Express Elimination
Pre-Match: The Women's Championship Belt is Shown. Sunny Kiss can't wait to wear it.
Spots:
Insert Anime screams
Riho weighs slightly more than Marko Stunt (Dinosaur Boy's Son)
Shikada summons a giant mech
Riho is dressed for her 3rd-grade baptism
JR and Excalibur Jr remind the audience for the 6000th time that Riho cannot defeat Nyla Rose.
The front row starts publishing fanfics about going on dates with Riho
Winner: Riho with a windy rollup.
Meltzer Rating: 18 stars
Pre-Match: The Perfect 10 slowly walks toward the ring in the slowest manner possible. He takes so long to get to the ring he has to ask Jericho and Hangman to stop their main event match. Stardust Unplugged shows a promo video of his entourage dressed as Star Trek crew (DDP, a dog, MJF and Mandy). Stardust beams down to the entrance.
Spots:
Tully interferes with the match immediately by punching Cody, kicking Cody, Shooting Cody, Setting Cody on Fire, Garnishing Cody's wages and everything inappropriate for a man of his prestige
MJF actually does even less. At one point he is hitting himself with a chair
Arn Anderson hits the ring, for reasons that are only known to Arn Anderson, he gives Shawn a spine buster.
The entire WWE Hall of Fame hits the ring, for reasons that are only known to the WWE Hall of Fame, and starts giving Shawn a spine buster.
The ref is okay with that, but not okay with anything Shawn does.
Cody has a chance to get revenge on Shawn by nailing him with a chair. He throws the chair away (and then uses it).
Winner: Stardust Unplugged
Meltzer Review: 100 Stars
Aja Kong vs. Awesome Kong
Just kidding...no one cares.
The Lucha Bros vs.
Pre-Match: The Lucha Bros do their "Zero Fear" taunt 60 times in a row. The Mega Bucks point to their genitals.
Spots: (We will use sound effects to explain this match)
Crashhhhh!
Bummmmp!
Crack Crack Crack!
Explode!
Shattttter!
DEATH!
Winner: Everyone who witnessed the deaths of two great tag teams
Meltzer Review: 1000 Stars
After Match: President Kennedy and President Clinton attack the dead tag teams. It's LAX
Midcard Adam Page vs. "The Man of 1000 Emotions" Jericho - The Chilis Challenge
Pre-Match: Adam Page comes out on a horse. The horse is a better ring entourage than MJF. Jericho comes out angry.
Spots:
Adam Page makes Jericho bleed.
Jericho bleeds everywhere
The Red Cross pays AEW $50 per pint
Adam Page wades through Jericho's blood to give him the Hangman Noose
Jericho "no sells" the Noose and "no sells" having blood in his system
Jericho hits his Judas Effect elbow and wins the match.
Winner: Jericho
Meltzer Review: 40 Midcard Stars
Aftermatch: A raving and hysterical man in a mask comes out with a sledgehammer. He starts swinging the hammer and screaming "This is not a good competition!" He is crying real tears. He removes the mask to reveal Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon continues weeping as Diamond Dallas Page and Dean Malenko cart him off.
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